The Androgynous Holiday

I heard a hilarious DJ song this morning on the radio. Have you heard that song “Happy Holidays”? I hate it. I consider it the “Seinfeld Carroll”, the song about nothing. That’s not a slight against Seinfeld; consider it a backhanded compliment. The song went:

“P.C Holidays…

P.C. Holidays…

Non-specific bells keep ringing

P.C. Holidays, to you!”

I thought that summed it up nicely. I honestly hate this time of year because I get tired of the intellectual cowardice surrounding it. I actually saw a Radio Shack commercial that said the word “Christmas”. I was impressed, and I plan to write Radio Shack a thank you note. My regard for Christmas has no dogmatic or “religious” undertones though I do celebrate it with my family. I recognize that Christ’s birthday was most likely in September, but this is the tradition that we’re left with. Would you like to move Black Friday to the day after Labor Day? Do you want to combine your “back to school” shopping with your former “Christmas” shopping?

I look at this this way: Black Friday got it’s name because many retailers spend most of the year operating in “the red”, or in the negative on their balance sheets. It is the American traditions of spending ridiculous amounts of money (often on credit cards or second mortgages) buying presents for others for Christmas that put many retailers in the “black”, or the positive in their accounting, thus granting them another year of life until Congress just breaks down and nationalizes everything, putting us under a Soviet style centralized economy that is going to SUCK REALLY BAD WHEN IT HAPPENS. The Bread lines weren’t a joke. That’s all I’m saying. When a “Christmas” season goes badly for retailers, they often go out of business. Remember Montgomery Ward? Died, right after Christmas of 2000, along with Bradlees, a Target or Wal-mart Wanna-be local to New Jersey that died the same time as Montgomery Ward’s.

That leaves me wondering why retailers want to bite the hand that feeds them. I don’t honestly know any of the 3 people who are so offended by the mention of the word “Christmas” that they are likely to commit suicide if we don’t stop immediately using the word in favor of the androgynous “day that many get paid to not come to work so that they may sip hot chocolate and exchange presents around a fake tree”. I know that some people celebrate other days during December like Hanukkah, but I would like to see some evidence that American retailers would survive if we simply cancelled Christmas and went back to work. It seems to me that the people who can’t tolerate the mention of the word “Christmas” don’t make up a significant segment of the retail market to replace the Christmas shoppers, therefore, retailers should just call it what it is and stop biting the hands that feed them.

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