Those Sea Salt Stands At The Mall Are Evil

I left work early today to run by the mall and pick up "The Little Mermaid" DVD for my wife. Disney likes to control the market, but that’s for another entry. There used to be a time when I could leave work early and expect the mall to not be crowded, but I guess those days are long since past. As I left the Disney Store, I noticed a woman trying to avoid one of those pushy kiosk cosmetics saleswomen. As I walked out, I got caught in a tractor beam that preys on politeness. "Oh, sir? Excuse me, sir, I just need a minute of your time."

"Uh, I’m in a hurry."

"This will just take a minute."

At this point, I should have just bolted, but years of conditioning to be polite still override years of pushy mall sales people. I was then put through a sales pitch that forced me to have sea salt put on my hands, then a choice of creams. I took coconut because it was that only one that made me feel like I had any testosterone left.

She kept asking me how great it felt. To be honest, it felt very greasy. Women might enjoy this feeling, but I felt like if I had to crack open a computer at that moment, I wouldn’t be able to hold any screws in my exfoliated hands. I thought they would slip right through. You know how small computer screws are.

Then, just as suddenly as I was sucked into this demonstration, she picked up 2 jars of their product and tried to give me a high pressure sales pitch about how "today, only, they’re half price for $59.99!" I told her my wife didn’t authorize me to spend that much, then I politely withdrew myself and left. I went to the Gourmet Chef to eat some free samples before driving home.

Where do women, whether pushy salespeople or benevolent wives, friends, or relatives get the idea that men will enjoy blowing $60  to exfoliate their hands? I could use that plus another $20 and expand the RAM in my laptop. I could buy camping gear with $60. I could buy beer and steaks with $60. Men like a little bit of "non-skid" on our hands, because as I said we sometimes work with small screws and we need the traction. What if I’d had to change a tire? Try keeping a grip on a tire iron when you’re missing the top layer of rough skin.

Trust me, ladies, if a man really wants to feel exfoliated, he will seek you out. Until he does, leave the rest of us alone.

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